Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I look better un-naked...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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