im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
