He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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