Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
