I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
3pm strippers are depressing
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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