Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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