ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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