It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
