i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
