I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
