I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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