can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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