My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
