we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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