i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
