Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
