girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
