I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
