Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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