just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
