Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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