I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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