Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
