Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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