I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
