his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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