can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
