I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
