I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think my fart just growled at me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
