I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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