how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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