pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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