I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
