i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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