Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
