right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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