New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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