So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
