2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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