Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize