cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
