my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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