Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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