dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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