His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
