The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
