hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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