Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
