So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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