Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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