can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize