I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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