Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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