I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
