I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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