meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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