I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
