Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize