did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
