dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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