Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
