the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
