if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
